today i am yelling

I've neglected my time on here, per the usual Fall reclusiveness.  Only internet reclusiveness though.  I've been working on building relationships.

I am introverted by design. I have a hard time remembering names and even a harder time putting faces to situations - it takes a good two to maybe three times interacting with me for a period of at least five minutes before I commit your name and face to solid memory, with the exception of people who strike me as inordinately interesting. I realize this sounds horrible; I'm admitting this as a deep source of personal embarrassment and shame. This is my personality fault and I do not expect those around me to entertain me to an unreasonable degree, nor do I expect them to have to go out of their way to make an impression on me. The result of me being socially inept in some situations (especially involving groups of new people) stems from insecurity on my part - I realize that I am, for lack of a better word, unusual. Knowing this, I have a tendency to withdraw and to interact with only those that have made a comfortable and pronounced notch on my social stick meter. The only thing that does this, outside of those I find inordinately interesting, is time. It used to be lots of time, but I've gotten it down to about a month now of casual, semi-frequent interaction before I am comfortable.

I'm learning to talk to more people in large groups - all sorts of people, even those I have very little in common with. And I generally like them all. I used to be unable to do this - I limited my friend pool to maybe two or three people out of fear. Fear of what, exactly, is ambiguous. Fear of being belittled seems a bit juvenile and isn't really applicable; it's a well known fact I could give two damns about people mocking me. Fear of being labeled - I dislike being called "weird" at times (this happens a lot, actually, to the point where I just nod in acceptance without protest or asking for embellishment) and at other times, I wholeheartedly agree (I am definitely and most okay with the fact that I like to read Wikipedia for fun and I'll be damned if that's "weird"). I am apparently "quirky" which is always followed by an insistent declaration of being a complement. Okay. Descriptive labels don't really bother me - hell, in fact, most of them are pretty easily predicted by me, even if I don't always understand them.

Fear of being misunderstood is a big one - I don't like people assuming things of me. I have several articulatory fumbles - the spoken word has never been my strong point and never will be. I have the verbal grace of a drunken monkey at times; I will crash and break through the meaning of several things before I get to my point and by then, my point is most often obscured by a high degree of embarrassing mess. People assuming things out of my personality is okay - I might even live up to it, if I think it's a worthy attributed quality they've given me; people assuming things out of my words is less of a flattering thought. I am quiet and reluctant to speak. My verbal posture is typically guarded.

I've learned to not take myself so seriously over the course of four years or so. This month has been about talking. I am learning to be more vulnerable in my actions and in my words. I've always been about transparency, but on a social level, I can be a level of cold that is not genuinely me.

This Fall is a thawing one.