sometimes i still think i'm bigger than the sound

I woke up today thinking that it might be raining and it's not, which left me with my first real disappointing experience for this week, second only to having had to draft 2nd to last on my fantasy football team last night - Chad, I think you cheat.

I am exceedingly ready for the seasons to change.

I haven't seen rain for what feels like months, unless one counts that horrible monsoon we got stuck driving through on the way to California and it's similar yet less manic little brother on the way back; both of those experiences I consider null due to the fact that 1) I was more preoccupied with the idea that a semi-truck driver hopped up on meth might careen into us rather than appreciating the rain and 2) on the way back it was nighttime and I was running on 4 hours worth of sleep in the past 24 hours and drove a good deal through the storm myself.

Rain is either enjoyable or terrifying. There is no in between status.

I missed seeing the ocean and it's been five years since I've last done so; no one else seemed as into the idea of the coastline or is quite as obsessive about seeing it as me. I have less than a year left of school; my first order of business as soon as that's done is making the 11 hour drive to the Gulf. It would take me 8 days to walk there, according to Google maps, which I have to admit is also an appealing and probable idea, though it would probably be more along the lines of a two week walk - I don't think it was factoring in camp/rest time.

I have good shoes.

I keep a picture of the ocean and me on my dresser; I didn't do this consciously. I don't like the beach itself or beach activities at all. I don't know how to swim. Something about not seeing it every few years though makes me feel antsy and claustrophobic. Staring at the ocean for too long I think would make me feel the opposite - insanely small and isolated and maybe even lost. It's shocking to me though, whenever I see it, and I think when it really comes down to it, that's what I like.

RJ bought me a DVD box set of the Planet Earth series as a birthday present last year - disks 3 and 4 are my favorite.

This post ended up being all about distance and time and I'm done wanting to talk about either of the two. Don't mistake me for morose though; I'm just a generally happy pensive person now n' days.

…i don't think that means what you think it means

I'm back.  Look, I met Felicia Day, writer of The Guild, cast member on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and, most awesomely, star of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I suggest you click on that link now. Go. Now. Do it.

Felica Day and I are BFF.

I had an amazing time and met some amazing people and this is the 1455th place I've posted this, but I won a GeForce 275 graphics card playing the new World of Warcraft expansion while at BlizzCon.  I killed a monster and looted an item that awarded one; it was funny because my immediate reaction was to physically hit a Blizzard employee who happened to be walking by within arm's swinging distance and yell "did I just win a graphics card?!" after scaring the crap out of him with my sudden violent movement.  He found my reaction amusing though.  Nvidia only gave out 100 cards over the span of 2 days at an event that over 20,000 people attended.  Yay!  I think I reached my luck quota for the year.

I do oddly find myself buying into the power of luck and good fortune sometimes, though I have no basis for either and they're irrational concepts if you really think about them.  I apply the term "irrational" in relation to me; for some they may make sense, but for me, they should not.  For one, they both contradict the idea that there is a present, living God who has delivered what I consider to be a very real promised for my hope and future; thus, the idea of luck and good fortune is relying on circumstantial events vs. a promise made to me by Him.

I think it's just an interesting part of human nature.  We (I'm using the universal "we", which really means "me")  like to accredit good, positive things happening to us as an energy or force when practically speaking it's a matter of statistical chance in some cases (ie - winning things like awesome graphics cards) or in others a direct result of answered prayers and hopes. At least this applies to those with a spiritual belief system; agnostic or non-theists are free to accredit everything to statistical chance and circumstance.

There was this thing Oprah promoted a while ago.  I'm not a TV fan by any means at all, and even less of a talk show fan, but even a relatively popular culture oblivious person like myself will on occasion catch a snippet of what is en vogue. The big trend was the teaching of The Secret and the Law of Attraction, which I always found to be a strange, irrational decent into crazytown; basically it teaches that your thoughts lead to reality - if you believe and own an idea, the universe will inevitably make it happen. I don't doubt that people's thoughts do lead to eventual outcomes that do have a tendency to mirror what they were thinking - that's called self-fulfilling prophecy in some cases and, gee, let's be honest, it's rather NON-SHOCKINGLY OBVIOUS that it would occur, but the idea that the universe itself will somehow grant your desires or, even worse, manifest your negative beliefs into reality all but throws personal responsibility out the window. Nevermind the fact that this entire "Law" of Attraction thing is nowhere near a physical law that proponents of this belief system is making it out to be. Personal accountability is key here. Something that teaches that you can either achieve greatness by simply putting a positive idea out there and then "allowing it to happen" or blame the universe for manifesting your negative thoughts is a freakishly huge denial of responsibility.

Now before there's a chance to accuse me of being a hypocritical person who uses the idea of a God as a similar copout because that is a very popular argument (and very very true in some cases, sadly) I'll mention two things:

- God is not the creator of evils or bad things. This is the world. I mean c'mon, everyone regardless of any idea, belief system, background, culture, nationality, etc etc can admit that sometimes the world just sucks. It's reality and human nature. We can sometimes not be the best of people, myself definitely included. Incredibly crappy things that have happened to me have been the result of my direct actions not being the best course of behavior or judgment. Personal accountability check #1. I am responsible for my own failures.
- God is a giving God. He does have plans for my future. However, I'm a person with free will and with the call of being a good steward of resources. I do not rely on the world or universe to provide me with what I need; I have been given a natural set of skills and have perused an education based upon what I feel like I am well suited for. Positive, fortunate things that have happened to me have been a result of God acting on His giving nature and providing me opportunity when I asked - making the most of that given opportunity to be successful is up to my own personal actions and investment after that point. Personal accountability check #2. God gives generously when asked; it is up to me to actually do something productive with what He has provided, lest it be squandered.

This segued into a tirade. Now I'm tired. I feel like using both the words "tirade" and "tired" in succession is almost clever for some reason but doesn't quite just make it. Responsibility for one's own actions. Look into it.

Anyway. BlizzCon was cool. There's a few select pictures posted below and you can check them out if you're interested.

i hear that it's a hxc game

After 19 hours in a car.

Made it.  Was very tired yesterday.  I was trying to give a thumbs up and lost my motivation, but I'm happy to have arrived in one piece.

It's pretty awesome to be staying within 100 yards of the convention center. BlizzCon starts tomorrow and I'll have more interesting things to ramble about and post over.

i love a man from california, he's the prettiest thing – we got the same disorder

I start the long, exceedingly unfun drive to California for BlizzCon in about 17 hours, though the monotony of the desert landscape as I pass New Mexico, through Arizona, past Nevada, and finally into the Promised Land should be broken up by good traveling companions and the anticipation of awesomeness embodied in gaming form.

Ozzy Osborne is playing there. How weird is that?

I am currently concentrating on staying awake until about 4 or 5 am and then napping until 2 or 3 pm - the plan is to make the 1,106 mile drive in one home stretch and I will be piloting the nighttime run. It is situations such as these that my insomnia finally asserts itself to be useful.

I plan to post pictures from the road and perhaps a couple of updates here and there as I will be traveling with my laptop - a video gaming convention isn't exactly a place where one abandons their internet activities. Sometimes I'm on the verge of making fun of myself due to my preoccupation and dedication to a specific game/company and it causes me to sort of evaluate why I like anything I like and if perhaps I am a bit too fanatical. Then I see articles like this, and I think I'm perfectly fine. Not that I'm knocking that guy too much; his homage set up to Star Wars IS pretty impressive, but it's one of those dubiously impressive sort of achievements. Sort of like competitive eating championship titles and people who get excited and high five over having avoided contracting a STD.

Okay well. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little on that end.

Anyway, in case anyone is wondering, my priorities at BlizzCon are playing as much Diablo III as I can, watching the live Starcraft 2 and WoW arena championship games (which are NOT on the same level as competitive eating, I might add), attending the various hosted contests, getting my picture taken with a ridiculous amount of people in ridiculous costumes, and perhaps attending the mage class discussion panel provided that it doesn't coincide with anything else that I'd like to see. As my friend pointed out, I can always catch that online.

Epic updates incoming, maybe.

holy crap!!

A note/picture I submitted to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com about a year ago was selected to be on the main page; my incredibly cool ex-coworker Stephanie seemed to have submitted it as well more recently. Imagine my surprise over this. I was JUST talking to people about this last night, actually. Of course, this is when I worked at the mental institution. They were posted above every trash can in the employee bathroom:

I often brainstormed the sort of questions I could ask about this particular issue, but the only valid one I could think of to ask was "who, out of all the people that I work with, seems to be the most likely to throw their feces smeared toilet paper in the trash can instead of the toilet?" We never had that problem before over the course of around two years of working there. We did, however, have a decently high turnover rate and so it was possible it was someone new. One of my not-so-cool co-workers insisted that it was probably a "Mexican" due to a lot of "them" not having viable indoor plumbing in Mexico that can handle paper, thus indeed leading "them" to throw their toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it (the American way to dispose of used toilet paper, naturally!).

Of course. Because yes, I thought I saw one of the new hires run through with a sombrero and then had another try to sell me some Chiclet gum - obviously anyone of Hispanic decent is more likely to not follow through with proper hygienic procedures AND live up to massively offensive stereotypes. Nevermind the fact that while several Hispanic people were employed there (myself included), none of us were close to being immigrants. When I brought up this infallible logic to her, I got a look that solicited confusion mixed in with the vague notion that I was indeed severely mocking her and she then got defensive and said she did not "mean it that way" and insisted that she wasn't racist. If people didn't amuse me so much at times, I think I'd be perpetually pissed off. I also am a fan of how people can say the most bigoted things and then insist that they aren't biased against a particular race, social group, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, etc etc.

Please stick to your bias all the way through at least; I'll have a modicum more respect for you if you attempt hold on to your original point rather than try to veil your outrageous initial statements with backtalk and spin.

I think when working with people, a certain amount of passive aggressiveness is often called for; being excessively blunt and to the point doesn't always have the best outcome, even though it does result in the least amount of misunderstanding. Trying to get your point across about a touchy subject that you're annoyed over while needing to take other people's emotions into consideration is a perfect mixture for subtle resistance and defiant behavior to manifest.

We never found out exactly who was guilty of the toilet paper infraction, but at least there were no more feces in the trash cans at work. There is something to be said for passive aggressiveness at times.

It's my theory that how pissed off one is directly correlates to how many exclamation points they use to get their point across. If I had to graph it, I imagine the data would look something like the below:

Amen.

i hate inspirational quotes

I think the worst one ever is "shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Whenever I worked at the mental institution, one of my coworkers would write that on everything. I realize that the patients there probably were in sore need of being inspired, but if I were them, I might have been tempted to stab her in the jugular with my plastic safety scissors during therapeutic arts and crafts time.

Okay so that's a bit extreme. I DID, however, literally and visibly cringe whenever I saw it posted anywhere. The fact that it's been almost a year and a half and I still harbor some sort of deep resentment over a few simple words should probably queue-up some sort of small warning within me that I am unhappy or perhaps bordering on disillusioned. I may be overthinking things in regards to this - perhaps it's something as simple as I hate the way most inspirational quotes come across as horribly disingenuous - but I figure anything I grow to despise exponentially over time is worth at least a few minutes mulling over. Sometimes I wonder if people have good reasons for disliking things or if they just set their opinion and stick to it like a rabid dog to a squirrel. I did this with onions once upon a time - for the greater part of my life, I had decided that I just did not like them until one day about a year ago I purposefully ate them sauteed with mushrooms and found out that I really DID like onions. Color me embarrassed. The result of this is that I am more conscious about evaluating the things I decide I don't like if I lack any obvious reasons to dislike them and, as a bonus, my breath is increasingly offensive as I no longer order things sans-onions.

I'm not exactly sure what my beef (what an odd phrase by the way - how did "beef" ever become a slang term for a complaint?) is with the entire inspirational quote issue. I think my well-rooted cynicism kicks in over the idea that a few canned words can ever be "inspiring" and the fact that so many of them seem like the author/one-quoted was trying exceedingly hard to say something profound.

The funny thing is that I DO find some specific phrases very inspiring - Jeremiah 29:11, for example. Or, more practically, Matthew 14:22-33, where Peter fails miserably even with the literal Son of God standing before him and instead of drowning because of his own doubts, Christ instead reaches for him immediately to save him from himself.

I suppose it's all in application. I can see myself drowning because of my lack of dedication or faith on occasion (this is an entirely different rant for a time where I am not excessively tired); I have no idea where I'll be in a year's time and so the idea that God indeed does serves as calming. If there is no faith in God, the above has no inspiration; no promise or hope. For non-theists, I imagine that the above are about as comforting as so called inspirational quotes are to me - or even less, and perhaps might even cross over to incendiary, depending on how much one thinks religion is the opiate of the masses. I get the relativity of words. I guess I'm selective about what has meaning for me and what I'll hold as comforting. Because I do have a belief in God, those passages/phrases aren't just florid prose. I suppose from this, I can infer that I have a general dislike for inspirational quotes because they lack a believable promise or action. They are instead exactly what they appear to be - well constructed literary devices that are set up to evoke an emotional response.

Not to mention that some of them are just trite. I still lack the insight to comprehend or appreciate how shooting for the proverbial moon and screwing up gets you anywhere near the elusively successful stars.

I had planned to do a lot with this introductory post, but I'm actually very tired, as per the usual, and I'm banking on the fact that if you're reading this, you probably know me in some capacity and have a good idea that I lose my train of thought pretty easily when it's late.

beef
n. pl. beeves (bvz) or beef
1.

• a. A full-grown steer, bull, ox, or cow, especially one intended for use as meat.
• b. The flesh of a slaughtered full-grown steer, bull, ox, or cow.

2. Informal Human muscle; brawn.
3. pl. beefs Slang A complaint.

intr.v. beefed, beef·ing, beefs Slang
To complain.
Phrasal Verb:
beef up Informal
To make or become greater or stronger: beef up the defense budget.

"Beefs" can be plural when used in regards to a complaint. I'm glad I looked that up.

I'm cold. Off to bed.